Having a parent who struggles with addiction, substance use disorder (SUD), or mental illness is difficult. It is even more difficult when that parent will not seek help for their condition, especially in terms of maintaining a relationship with them. People often think about how it feels for a parent to watch their child suffer, but it can be just as difficult for a child to see their parent suffer. Those who have a parent struggling with addiction or mental illness should know that they are not alone, they can connect with their parent, and they should never lose hope that their parent will someday get the help they need.
A parent’s struggle with SUD and mental illness is unique. On top of being responsible for themselves, their work, and their family, they must try to cope with the reality of their condition. Of course, to seek help, a parent must acknowledge they have a problem. That is not always easily done, especially for parents who can function well despite their illness.
When someone can continue functioning despite their illness, they are considered a “functioning alcoholic.” According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAA), there are five subtypes of alcohol use disorder (AUD). One of the functional subtypes makes up about 19.5% of individuals struggling with alcohol dependence in the United States.
AddictionCenter describes a high-functioning alcoholic as “someone who habitually drinks an unhealthy amount of alcohol while maintaining some level of professional and personal success.” In this scenario, a parent’s family may not notice there is a problem initially. A similar subtype is the intermediate familial subtype. About 19% of individuals in the U.S. fall under this subtype and consist mainly of middle-aged individuals with multigenerational alcoholism in their family.
Despite an understanding of each subtype, whether a parent is still functioning, or whether a child is aware of their parent's struggles, it can be difficult for children to understand why their parent will not seek professional help.
Parents may refuse to seek treatment for their struggle with addiction or mental illness for many reasons. One common reason is that they do not think they have a problem. It is not uncommon for individuals struggling with SUD and mental illness to be unaware of the problem or its extent.
Another reason a parent may not seek help is that they fear looking weak in front of their children. In that situation, pride can be a silent killer. Finances and childcare are also big factors that prevent parents from seeking help. Especially if they are the sole breadwinner of the family, seeking help can feel impossible. Thankfully, the rise of telehealth and virtual treatment helps overcome these barriers, but a parent still must seek help for themselves, not be coerced into it.
Untreated addiction and mental illness can negatively affect someone’s childhood. People may feel anger or resentment toward their parents for how their disease impacted their childhood. While it is easier said than done, individuals must try to understand what their parents have gone through to connect with them well.
There are a few things children of parents with SUD can do to reconnect with their parent, including:
NorthStar Transitions believes in the importance of family, and we try to create a safe space for families to heal together. Our family therapy sessions help:
In addition to setting realistic expectations, individuals should prioritize setting boundaries with their parents. Boundaries are necessary on both sides. They protect each party from getting hurt and can motivate a parent to seek help. However, individuals must practice what they preach. For example, cutting off contact may be a necessary consequence of boundary-crossing. It may seem harsh, but if it helps them seek treatment, it is well worth it.
Lastly, if a parent is refusing to seek help, consider intervention. An effective intervention allows loved ones to express their concern and make known how addiction or mental illness has harmed their lives. The ultimate goal is that a parent will decide to change their lives and seek help.
There are many reasons why a parent may avoid seeking treatment for their struggle with addiction or mental illness. Reasons may include financial concerns or a lack of childcare. Sometimes, people do not seek help because they do not realize they have a problem. That is very common in individuals who can function well despite experiencing symptoms related to alcohol or drug use or mental illness. If your parent struggles with SUD but refuses to seek help, know that you are not alone. There are ways for you to connect with your parent. Setting boundaries, hosting interventions, and attending family therapy may help improve your relationship and motivate your parent to seek help. To learn more or get professional help, call NorthStar Transitions at (303) 558-6400. We create a safe space for families and can help parents seeking treatment today.
