Time passes while we are out there in our active addiction or battling the effects of mental illness. Some of us have been out there for so long that we can feel that this is what life has in store for us. Anything deterring from that perceived path can feel threatening, even if it is for our betterment. We may struggle with the idea that we are worthy of recovering from our addictions or co-occurring disorders. That belief can hinder us on our path by creating false beliefs about ourselves. The truth is, we don’t deserve to suffer, nor do we deserve to shoulder our hurt all alone, even if we feel like others couldn’t possibly understand. There is support for us even if we are timid at first and struggle with letting people in.
You may hear others talk about self-love, and they might even consider self-love in action as accepting others' attempts at loving or caring for them. This level of vulnerability can feel like the exact opposite of self-love, and it can make you feel more uncomfortable than before you tried to get help. Stepping into a new way of living, with new people and new expectations, whether perceived or not, can make you shake your head in protest and think, “I am not doing this.” Why do we seem to fight the very change that we want for our lives?
When you find yourself resisting change, you may battle with feelings of rejection, resentment, and fear; you may even feel isolated at times. This need to resist can come from the need to control, and your need to control may come from a fear of not getting what you need or a fear of having the rug pulled out from under you. Even when you were experiencing the anguish of substance use or untreated mental illness, the prospect of returning to a sense of normalcy may have seemed far-reaching and impossible due to the familiarity of your pain.
Sadly, you may be used to the feelings brought on by active addiction or mental health disorder; anything detouring from those emotions or beliefs can feel like a loss of identity. So instead of flowing with the change that is happening, such as cutting away old friends that are no longer healthy or safe, you might begin to push against the shifts that are starting to happen. While change can be a painful process, resisting it to hold onto what you know you don’t want for yourself can hurt worse.
Past trauma can easily dictate your relationships, whether with friends or loved ones. You may not realize it, but trauma will also often control your relationship with yourself. Whatever the reasons, you may rely less and less on yourself, believing that you will fail or do irreversible damage to something or someone. Your ability to trust your perceptions or abilities wanes, and you may find that you feel the familiar feeling of abandonment, which for many may be a deep wound, perhaps even from childhood. To protect yourself from the fears you feel, you may decide -- either consciously or unconsciously -- that you do not need to change. At the very least, this decision will keep you safe since you’ll know what to expect; therefore, you have less chance of “failure.”
When you are going through the inner storms change can bring, it may feel like there is no end in sight or you are truly lost. Things may feel like they are not working out the way you thought they would; people are not forgiving you fast enough, employers are not hiring you instantaneously, and your therapist is making you do work that you feel you’ve already completed. The reality is, no matter who we are, change takes time.
It may help to think of yourself as a seed. Like seeds, you need water, dirt, and sunlight to help you grow, and though you are growing, it may not be evident until you break the surface; yet all that time had to pass for that day to come. You needed the water and sunlight to give you life consistently before you could evolve into something new. Like the seed, you have to have good soil to grow well. That soil is your foundation, your environment, and who you surround yourself with every day. The water and sunlight bring you nourishment and health, which can be anything you want it to be; therapists, sober friends, children, etc.
Asking for help is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, even if it's hard in the beginning. You become used to vulnerability, and accepting the support of others starts to feel like second nature. You may ebb and flow in your comfortability with change throughout your recovery journey, but you remember that you are worthy of the growth change offers. With that knowledge, you take steps into newness.
Most of us want to run from change even when we know it may be in our best interest to flow with it. Still, we may choose to fight change before we throw in the towel and surrender to the truth that it might be time to reach out and ask someone for help. Asking for help can be intimidating. However, at NorthStar Transitions, we support our clients every step of the way, from their first inquiry to the first day of their new life. They will actively apply the coping skills they uncovered by working with our reputable clinicians, therapists, and staff. We also work to support our client’s families by offering educational services and support wherever needed. We want our clients to move forward in their recovery, living an autonomous, healthy life which is why we provide life-skills training, holistic support, and more. Call us today at (303) 558-6400 to learn more.
